Friday, 26 August 2016

Too trusting...

There have been two times in my life when I have just had to run. And when j say hace to run I mean full on Forest Gump style keep on going... I was an overweight kid, teased and bullied hugely in PE, always the last to be picked for the team in PE and even faced sighs from those who ended up with me at the end. I then discovered I was pretty good on the ice and did figure skating and ice hockey, but I never made my peace running... until I was faced with watching my son die slowly before my eyes whilst waiting for a life saving small bowel transplant. Wills for his wonderful gift of life and I got medals, personal bests, good for age times and even one cash prize. I was pretty good at running after all but with asthma, It can be impossible at times. Only when my adrenaline is high and I am in fight or flight can I start to run if my body isn't already trained in a routine. I had Swine Flu when it was first around and mo one had any immunity and was one of those who ended up in intensive care with if, That did for my lungs big time and my running routine fell by the wayside.

The second time I had to run happens just two weeks ago after an event in the previous month. One of my big personality traits it to be trusting to the point of gullibility at times. The trust my brain has been massively over trained as I have time and time again put the life of my child into the arms of doctors and surgeons and spending long months in hospital forces you to live in very close contact through the most emotional of times with strangers who become friends much quicker in that vacuous bubble than out in the real world. So, when a friendly, charismatic chap knocked on my door one sunny Sunday to ask for gardening work, on a day when I really needed gardening work and a new fence for a puppy, I let him into my house. I may go into more details about what happened later when I open up a bit more in this blog. It's also an open police case at the moment too, during which I have had very mixed experience and will certainly be writing about here. So, to cut a long story very short, over a period of three days my new 'friend' turned out to be a very experienced and talented con man who aggressively took our money, I mean I knew he was conning me but his mix of aggression and emotional manipulation took invaded my mind so much that I just handed it over! I can understand now why vulnerable old people hand over thousands to these con artists! For me though, this mix of aggression and emotional manipulation resulted in a sexual assault.

I struggled though a few weeks of anxiety, almost panic attacks... What if he came back? What if he is arrested, surely he will be mad at me and come back...?  Home didn't feel safe, being outside didn't feel safe... The experience had also burst open all those little boxes where we hide away past experiences and emotional vulnerabilities. All in all I was struggling to cope with myself until one day I ran in the park with the puppy and felt it again, that freedom, the physical relief you get when your body is using the pent up adrenaline for flight. So here I am, running again because I have to.

That is all a very sketchy outline I know. One of my motivations to writing this blog is to share my experiences in the hope they can help people who have been through similar so I will be unpacking if all, just give me time and stay with me in that... For now though,  I have a run to do...

If my blog has touched you then please pay it forward like I am doing and help me to help others who need help to feel safe by supporting my London Marathon fundraising.

No comments:

Post a Comment